Torin/Darren WhoEver (wolfieboy) wrote,
Torin/Darren WhoEver

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I succeeded at something complex and off the cuff.

We had a meeting on designing our Directory Services architecture and namespace. I was the resident LDAP expert and so I drew up what I thought we should do in this area and the rest of the team talked about it and endeavoured to find holes or problems now before we expended development effort. It would be much better for me to be wrong now and fix it rather than have to fix it later. Changing the topology of an LDAP server is not much fun.

Not only did I do a decent job but my proposal came through unscathed. I fielded many and sundry questions about why we should do it the way I was proposing and I was able to intelligently explain why the other suggestions wouldn't work as well. I talked about many of the finer points of LDAP, how it is different than a relational database, and the challenges involved in data representation in a DIT.

The reason that this is an especially feel-good situation is that I expected to fall flat on my face and have to hem and haw and mostly tell people that I'll get back to them later. I didn't have to do any of that. It was all resolved at this meeting.

Why I had that feeling requires some back-story.

So, as I mentioned in someone else's journal about a month to six weeks ago, I'm constantly amazed and amused that I seem to succeed in doing what I'm trying to do much of the time. Possibly from ADD/AFD, possibly from my values being vastly different from the über culture, I'm generally expect to fail at what I try to do. Each time I attempt a non-trivial task, I expect that I'm going to miss some vital element of what I'm going to do and completely screw up. And by failing, I will prove, by that failure, that every other success I've ever had has been a fluke and not did I fail but I'm a failure.

This mindset persists even though my history is that I generally succeed and that when I fuck-up, I generally do what I can to make it right again. Many times the fuck-ups can be blessing in disguise...

What keeps me going even with this mindset is my firm and unwavering belief in thought creates reality. I know that if I constantly think about how I am going to fail that I will Pygmalionate myself and of course I will fail. This won't be due to whatever causes the failures that I expect but due to my own stupidity in expecting myself to fail. So, I expect to succeed even though there is a portion of my brain that realizes that if I do succeed that it's a fluke that will eventually catch up with me.

I'm somewhat fascinated with this phenomena because no matter how much I meta-program myself on this topic, it just won't go away. All I can do is an end-run around it.
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