Torin/Darren WhoEver (wolfieboy) wrote,
Torin/Darren WhoEver

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Depressions, ruts, and wonder

So, I'm finally willing to admit to myself that I'm depressed. The signs have been all over the place for a while. The need to sleep more. The amotivation. The apathy. The lack of posting on LJ. There were more but I can't think of them now.

There are a few possible reasons for this; the situation between Cindy and I, my job situation, politics both personal and civic, my ADD meds only taking care of part of the problem, and the state of the IT/IS industry. (yes, I'm serious on that last one.)

These are possible reasons, some of which I can change, some of which I can't. I have fallen into a rut though. I've just been sailing along and not challenging myself. One of them is to learn something. The Mathematics book seems like fun but it's rather big to lug about. I've picked up the Theoretical and Practical Phonetics. I love linguistics and learning this should help me quite a bit. I love learning new things or deepening superficial knowledge that I've got already. I'd love being a linguist but I've become to used to being paid much higher rates than I could ever make as a linguist. It's really difficult starting over in another industry.

Another thing that struck me as I was taking the bus in this morning. I can't both be depressed and take great wonder and delight in the world. I was looking at people and things and noticing how much light just shines out of some people. What could've made it better is to've had Cindy there with me. She notices different things than I do and we like delighting each other with what we find. A certain set aside part of me that spends its time observing me noticed that while I was doing this, I wasn't depressed. My eyes felt lit up, my face felt alive and my brain no longer felt sluggish. I was quite a good thing. I suspect I wouldn't've been able to do this without acknowledging that I'd been depressed. Too much of me has been shying away from that. Recognizing that shadow part of me frees up other parts of me so that I can get out of the rut and glums at least for a while.
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