Torin/Darren WhoEver (wolfieboy) wrote,
Torin/Darren WhoEver

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Saying "no" to Deity

As you may've read here, I'm dealing with the consequences of saying "no" to Deity, who in my case most often manifests as Eris. Since I know that in choosing an action, I also choose the consequences of that action, I can accept this. I was being asked to do things that would create an environment that would be inimical to cindygerb. Both she and I have gone to counseling together and individually; we've been talking ad infinitum about ways to resolve this for almost two years. Finally, it came down to Cindy or Deity and I chose Cindy.

So, what are the consequences? Well, this should probably be under the heavy woo-woo filter but I just don't care right now. First I have to go into what has been the norm up until now.

For me, seeing the Divine in people is not a theoretical thing. For me, it is real. I see a shining light coming out of people. The more that I know them, the more I recognize and feel that light. It's such a beautiful thing. In a similar but different manner, I often pick up things and can feel a warmth of love and acceptance from them; especially if it's something that I or someone that I'm close to cherishes. You might guess from this why I'm an animist and pantheist. Finally, I've had a core of myself, from my early mid-20's where I could always find the love and acceptance of the universe radiating out. Sometimes when I would get too caught up in myself or the world, I would forget that it was there but all I had to do was remember and relax into it and the arms of the universe would reach up and enfold me in comfort and love.

Now all of that is gone. I accept the consequences of my actions; I just wish they weren't so painful. I still have the memory of the divine in every person and thing. I can report that when her divine light is no longer overshadowing it, cindygerb is still devastatingly physically beautiful. There is a core inside of me though that is like a missing tooth that I keep putting my tongue into and receiving pain at its absence. Goddamn is Eris ever a bitch.

(Further musing on this will go on under the woo-woo filter. Go here if you'd be interested in such.)
(Unfortunately, I never got back into the right mindspace to have further musings.)
Tags: woo-woo
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