Torin/Darren WhoEver (wolfieboy) wrote,
Torin/Darren WhoEver

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Chop water, Carry wood

I so want to ignore this and not finish it. First problems came up at work and I couldn't do it there. Then the cat had to go to the vet. Then I was too tired. Well, then I had to read and reply to folks on LJ and e-mail.
Well, no more excuses, I promised I would write this and I will. Just a little later than I had planned.
I'm not completely sure why I'm resisting writing this considering that I know that it needs to be done so that the ideas stop occupying time slices in my head.

This post turns out to be more about me than about rich. That's okay. He's not here to read it...

Rich could have so been me. I was an angry geek who didn't like anybody including myself throughout my teenage years and early adulthood. It wasn't until I decided that I wasn't having fun like that that I decided to change. Rich and I talked frequently anytime we got together for the various l*** gatherings. I liked talking with him and he wasn't always angry; we talked well.

I'm really, really angry with you, rich. I hope that wherever you are, you can look back and see the ravishment that you've made of us, your friends. Yep, none of care one whit. You fucker. I told you, I told you not to let the bastards win. They get so many bloody victories and here you go and give them one on a platter. You went and left us, you bastard. You are depriving us of your company and left a hole where you used to be. You chose to leave us. Yes, you. Don't deny it. You chose to leave us, deciding that your pain is/was more important than sharing yourself with us.

I know that I've got more to say but it's just not coming. I just keep cussing out rich and the rest of what I want to say can't make it through.

I really miss you rich. it hurts that we'll never talk again. I'll heal the hurt but there will always be a bit of me that misses you, hurts with you.

The title of this piece is what I have to do to deal with my grief. I know that to keep going, I have to keep going with life in my own little perverse way. All the hugs and well wishing are wonderful and very affirming. I'll take the hugs next time that I see any of you but I really don't need to talk this out or get external help. If in managing my grief, I found a part of myself that needed explication, then I might need help or I might resolve it on my own.
Thank you for all the offers of solace; I will take them as hugs if you're willing.

There is a Japanese Concept that I was directed to by kmo in a follow-up to his Thought of the Day:
The most important word in the Japanese education is gambatte. Literally translated in English it means "persevere, don't give up."
While we've gotten used to wishing people good "luck" here in the States, in Japan they say "gambatte." This word tells us opportunity is not about race, station or luck. It is about effort, applying oneself, and perservering.
Gambatte may be a Japanese word, yet that very same spirit is at the heart of what made America great. In the words of Thomas Jefferson, "I am a great believer in luck and I find the more I work the more I have of it."

This concept, this idea is what kept me going through some really rough times. I have other support structures in place now but this is always there as a backdrop.

It still amazes/amuses me that the last song that I heard before going into work and reading about rich's suicide was "Don't Say Goodbye" on C89.5.

The new icon comes from corivax who tells me that my post inspired this latest kanji. It evidently means "sorrow". I hope not to use it much.
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