Torin/Darren WhoEver (wolfieboy) wrote,
Torin/Darren WhoEver

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I've been in a bit of funk for the last week or so.
I've also felt like I can't do things correctly. I know that I can just by simply looking at what I've done over the week. I've had a string of successes. But if I'm not actively thinking about it, that "I fail at things" voice comes back. At least it's not the "I'm a failure" voice. That one is much worse.

Unfortunately, this means that I've had a bit lower self-esteem and some of my socializing has been a bit off. I'm questioning everything I do and wondering where I've screwed up, not if but where. Did I go past boundaries I didn't see, did I comfort someone the wrong way? This are all bullshit statements. I am who I am. This does mean that I'm a bull in a china shop at times. It means that I can try to make light of a situation inappropriately. It means that I can over-intellectualize. Well, I and others will just have to deal.

Whenever I've tried writing anything more than a few sentences or something with *content*, it reads like dross. I needed to write something last Friday night and everytime I do, I read it and throw it away.

It is being with cindygerb and reading you folks that helps me even though I might not've been the best company over the last week. I'm veryvery glad that cindygerb loves me.

What's really pulling me out of this though is a post by corivax that has been percolating through my brain:
Happiness is a silver-eyed wolf that paces the confines of my spine, is a falcon whose wingtips flutter against the insides of my ribs. It is wild and active and joyous and dangerous. My fingertips leave a smeared silver glow upon my books and my inkbrushes and my loved ones. My tattoos ache with clear cold fire. The world is vividly bright, and so sharp I sometimes fear to cut myself upon the sunlight that filters through cedar branches or the gray tracks of the rain.

I'm interpreting this in a way that I don't think that corvi means but it is helping me anyway.
That is that we are happy when we choose to be happy. It might take a bit for us to realize that we have that choice; that realization is most of the battle right there. But for me at least, I choose whether to be happy or not. If I'm not happy, guess who is to blame. <humor>No, not the Shrub. He's responsible for everything else wrong in the world. *smirk*</humor> Yep, it's me.

I might not be completely the bouncy wolfieboy but I've at least got the spring in my step again.

P.S. Some of this can be laid at the feet of the ADD but that's inconsequential.
P.P.S. Thank you ilk for the music.
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