So, I need to figure out if I am just being a spoiled brat.
When I was about twelve, I figured that almost all the songs on the radio could be "fixed" if only people weren't so exclusionary in who they loved and if they talked truthfully about how they felt. When I was around 17, I found out that something similar to this was called polyamory already existed and that there were other people who thought like I did. I've had at least an academic interest in polyamory ever since.
Cindy and I at least talked about polyamory when we first started talking. At that time, we decided that we would only pursue relationships with people where both of us would be involved. Some friends of ours, Scruff and Shell coined a term for this called co-amory. This tends to reduce the field greatly and we only took on one otherlove.
Well, earlier this year, we decided to expand this some. We did this in our own way and there were certain specified limits and bounding conditions on this new expansion. Due to some communications snafus, mostly on my part, the first trial of this went spectacularly wrong. After this, one person told me that I radiated hurt out to about 10 feet.
Essentially, I assumed that sucking on titties was only that. For me, sucking on titties while an intimate act is just that and it doesn't imply anything further. I explicitly made sure that it didn't mean anything further before I started. Unfortunately, society and Cindy views sucking on titties as a prelude to sex. And since this is the default assumption in our culture, I should've been much more clear on what my expectations and plans were. I broke the first rule of poly - communication, communication, and then, more communication.
So, Cindy and I still haven't resolved this. Cindy is full of tension and conflict due to this, issues with our otherlove, and some things that are hers to tell. There is no way that I can help resolve her tension except by being supportive.
Then I read my friend Kris's journal entry for today. I wonder if this is how Cindy feels. Does she feel like she's just not enough? Kris has a passage that says:
I am being told that I am enough with one breath and being told how wonderful this other person is with the next. I'm trying to remember that I do matter.
Is this how Cindy feels? Does she think that she doesn't matter enough to me? She is enough for me. There is no one else even in her class. But still I want more. I have these feelings and this love pouring out of me that I want to share. But this pales to less than epsilon as compared to the importance of being Cindy's partner and investing my life with her.
So, am I being a spoiled brat in wanting more? Am I being like the little kid who gets exactly what he wants who then whines about not being able to get something more? I don't know...